Confessions

i'm back.

back back back!

omg! i'm back back back back back!!!!!

memo to everyone, this is a friends only journal starting now. i'm not worried about the ex reading it anymore, i'm pretty sure that's all done, i haven't heard from him since when i was thinking of closing this journal up.

the truth is, i want to be back and it's just not the same to not have this place.

so here it goes, FRIENDS ONLY

emily

hey all that i love!

this journal is going to have to stop or at least go on hiatus so i can figure things out in my own mind.

i reaaaaaaally want to keep in touch though. i only have msn messenger so hopefully that clicks with most of you. add me as emily_b_strange@hotmail.com

i really hope we can keep in touch, i'm sorry that this has gotten ruined. i want to let you know that this place and you guys especially have made me feel really happy and loved each day with your comments and concerns. i truly do feel for you guys and i'll still try to come on and comment and see how you all are.

thanks for everything, you all mean so much to me!

emily

hi everyone,

just a quick note that my ex has found this lj as well now. i'm going to have to just give up on this place. it's been two lj's, two that i've relied heavily for support from, that hes ruined. but i'm just not comfortable with him being able to read about my life. i'm still thinking, but i don't know how else i can do this otherwise.

emily

doubt this'll help me keep in touch with you,
but in the likely case that you've sent me to junk just a blank response would even be nice
so i know that you got it. don't expect you to be buddy buddy with me, but a word now and then
would be nice. wish you felt the same way.

Ryan


i just got this from my ex. this is what he does to me. 15 minutes ago i was high as can be and then i come back to this and i feel like i'm going to puke.

i'm not answering. i haven't answered him ever before and i won't answer him this time. i cant believe he went to another email account just so it would get through my junk mail. he used hales_ryan2@hotmail.com instead of just hales_ryan.

i was so happy before this and now i'm so angry, i'm going for a run.

emily

finally i'm back in my own room again!!! i miss the two dogs the most, my cat isn't much of an affectionate pet.

i haven't eaten much at all the past few days. organic tahini and veggies, that's about it. it's 1:30 today and so far all i've eaten was a bowl of this health cereal in the housesittin house before he came back. i'm gonna go for a run and burn off some cals before i eat anymore today.

cale called again last night. i picked up my phone this time and told him i wasn't interested. he ended up asking me why a girl like me wasn't dating anyone, i said it was personal, he said vent, i did.

i'll cut him some slack because for an ass he was a great listener. but now that he knows about my ex and ana and all that i can never date him now, which is fine. my ex found out about ana about 3 monthes into our relationship and i know that the fact that he couldn't get it to "go away", as he worded it, was part of why we ended. the next time i date, i'll have the relationship emily, and the personal emily. personal emily will consist of ana, knitting, and romance. relationship emily will eat when she's around the guy, not do anything too matronly (knitting), i won't talk to them about the biopsy i have to go through in a couple monthes, and i'll be into action movies. it will totally suck, which is why i'm currently not dating any of the guys i've gone out with in the past few monthes, but i don't want to the drama i had in my last experience.

i'm totally bumming right now but i shouldn't be. disneyland is waiting for me and it all starts friday morning!!! i'm happy! i'm happy! i'm happy!

thank you for all your menbashing sympathy and support ladies!! it was nice to wake up this morning and see proof that i wasn't totally overreacting.

i got ditched 3 days before xmas and since then i've been on 3 awkward blind dates, all with different guys and this cale thing was just the rotten cherry on top of a rancid, rainy spring.

to prove that i don't even have just an inkling of coping strategy - i've burned a $1,200 hole in my bank account on clothes and makeup, purchasing something at least once a day to make myself feel righted again. my newest purchase, matching hobo bag and wallet by Guess&Marciano - HOT and expensive.

it's fine though. i spent all last summer working fulltime and saving up money for rent to last the entire school year. then with this sickand twisted turn of events at christmas time i forfitted my apartment and am now rolling around in a surplus of cash.

so maybe the breakup was harsh, but i look adorable dealing with it! ;)

haha *kiss*kiss*

emily

omg i am so not impressed with my friend's choice of guys! so this cale guy from yesterday, got my cell number from my friend and called me twice. the first time he left a message and the second time he just hung up. what happened to the three day rule? and in his message he asked if i was alone in my housesitting house and if i wanted company he could come over. like i'm just someone to have sex with? i was only that easy with my ex and in my mind it was the biggest mistake of my life! i can't believe guys, they are such assholes and i'm sick of them. if i weren't so into the penis i would think about finding a life partner in a chick! asljglsdjgkljsdl! men suck! i hate them! i hate them! i hate them!

it's 1:00 in the afternoon and i went for my run, managing to push breakfast off until just a few minutes ago. i got it down to 200 cals today!!!!

so far today:
~6 mile run - 700 cals burned~

consumed:
~200 cal breakfast

today is looking up!

5 days until my fun in the sun in california!

emily

i have to admit, for what i consider a bad setback in the middle of today, i did really well.

i finally got my friend all ready to go shopping! and all i'd eaten was what i'd said, 250 cals.
then we went into starbucks and i was just going to get an Awake tea and drink it black, 0 cals. but they had these vanilla cupcakes in and she bought one first (she doesn't watch what she eats at all!). i caved in and bought one too. i have to admit though, my outfit that i wore today makes me look super leggy and thin and the cupcake was beautifully decorated, so i felt really cute nibbling at it.

i'd say that the cupcake was like 400 cals or something. i went on starbucks.com for the nutritional info but i couldn't find it there. so i'll assume that's what it was. later in the day i got a nonfat steamed milk (160 cals for a grande). tonight was leftover night and i just ate some of the green salad my mom had made, so like practically no cals.

today's total:

~700 burned on run~
~on feet downtown shopping all day, lol, when you're looking at prada bags and manolos it counts as cardio!!~

consumed:
810 cals

pretty close. that damn cupcake!!! at least it was goodlooking haha!

emily

ugh! i've been up since 8:30. i ran for an hour and now i'm all showered and done up to go shopping and i called my friend and she wants a nap. god! she's so....lethargic? it drives me crazy how lazy she is. so now i have to wait around for an hour...which will end up being two hours because she'll have to shower and get dressed which takes her forever. i wish i could meet a best friend who is more like me. energized, peppy, ready to go!

at least i have some time to be on lj though i guess!! after this i'll comment on everyones journals!

oh and i have awesome news!!! i've managed to omit about half the cals from the breakfast i eat with my mom. i've gotten it down to 250 cals!:
half a banana
1/3 cup cooked oats
1/2 cup plain yogurt
1/2 cup soy milk

i used to mix in raisins (lots of cals!) and sprinkle some brown sugar on top because that's how my mom likes it. but i make the breakfast and i managed to just do that for hers and she didn't notice. i also give her the larger of the two portions so it probably ends up being less than 250 anyway!!!

and the suns out! yay!!!!

so today so far:
~ran 6 miles - burned 700 cals~

cals consumed:
-breakfast: 250 cals

shopping today will be a breeze, i'll buy another sugarfree red bull and be set, we'll probably go out to dinner too where i'll just get a salad. i'm hoping to be able to consume less than i burn everyday again!

wish me luck!
emily

the red bull is working like a charm. tonight my mom and i are watching the finale of the bachelor. i haven't watched that show since 2 years ago but it's one of the two shows i watch methodically now. i haven't run yet today because i had to work. but i had to work which means no food, only a red bull.

total cals consumed today:
540 cals

plus the additional steamed soymilk with my mom (only like 70 cals) and a cracker or whatever.

maybe when the bachelor is done i'll go for a quick run on the treadmill downstairs...if i run for even 30 mins i can burn off 350.

Today:

woke up and ran 6 miles - 700 cals burned
+ 50 situps

consumed:
breakfast - 450 cals
(large, i know, but mandatory because mom has me make it for the two of us and eat it with her every morning)

lunch - 60 cals
(yes! red bull sugarfree only making up 10 cals and the other 50 cals from an orange)

dinner - 332 cals
(japanese takeout of spinach salad and part of cumcumber and inari rolls)

total cals consumed = 832 cals

not bad considering i also had to work today and am on my feet the whole time while doing so.

Grey's Anatomy is on in 30 mins!!!!!

It's 2:00 in the morning and i'm totally hopped up on sugarfree red bull. it's officially on my approved list of foods. downside is t hat i feel like a psysho typing so quietly on my laptop. if my mom finds me doing anything suspicious it's back to the "help house" like two summers ago. those assholes made me gain back 10 lbs before heading back to second year uni so i looked semi normal. i ahve my running clinic at 8:30 am too, so in 6 hours i have to be up and running. 10 km though!!!! that's like 1000 cals gone flat, right at the start of the day.
i've also decided that i'm going to start having a red bull instead of my usual non-fat,no whip mocha on my lunchbreak, and tomorrow is the first trial.

wishing and hoping.
em

I forgot about this thing. Well, in all honesty I was going to ditch it but this journal totally came through for me the summer after first year when I was majorly ana.

Today:
~600 cals burned, 5 miles run (treadmill)~

Consumed:
-1/3 cup quick cooking oats w/ plain nonfat yogurt & a little unsweetened soymilk
-1/4 cup raisins
-1/2 cup steamed soymilk with cocoa powder

it's official. my first time be single on valentine's day in 4 whole years. i don't even care, last year i didn't even get a flower, absolutly nothing.
i've spent my day as i feel a single person should. i watched the notebook and bewitched, drooling over ryan gosling and will ferrel. i'm totally partial to sandy blonde hair and blue eyes now. i've made the decision that that's what my next beau will look like.
i'm all dressed up in a really cute new skirt i bought myself yesterday and i'm going to go visit erin at work and try and talk her into suppressing her cold she has so we can chill tonight. other than that i'm going to go walk around because i feel adorable!
maybe i'll meet my will ferrel today - *crosses fingers* - it could happen! i'm definatly cute enough!

Today's been fun.

I realized in the center on Aritzia that I have a major problem. The last couple weeks i've been up and down, high on life, then totally bumming. when i was down i would go buy myself something pretty, expensive, nice to look at...anything really. but then today i was in a really good mood so i decided to go shopping to celebrate..... so let's see, when i'm estranged i shop, when i'm happy i shop, when i'm blah i shop...i pretty much have a teeeeeeeeeeensie bit of a problem.

other than that i've just been chilling out with colette and erin. my best stories happen with those two girls. colette is all about the luau of first year, giraffe man (who is still looking fiiiine btw), and people watching. erin's got my shopping bug under her belt and now has aqquired the night of AuBar. now all i need is kit-kat to come back from Australia in September (can't wait!) and she Alison, and I will recontinue of memories of highschool loitering.

last night was officially awesome! we made it to aubar by 10, but the night started off slowish. i discovered vodka and redbull, both which i didn't have to pay for - don't remember his name but he kept whispering. then i got my first, second, and third nasty tastes of tequila - don't remember his name either. erin and i ended up pairing off with these two hot guys on the dance floor for the last hour of the night - i don't know his name but i think he thinks mine is maddy and my number's 3h62jg8 - but who knows.
melissa had an awesome time. the champagne went down silky smooth and she got lots of birthday kisses. overall the night was insane! we all kissed the cab driver goodbye and it's 1:30 and i am finally sans hangover!

counting down now!!!!

Going to the AuBar tonight!! So excited and nervous about it! I have tonight and tomorrow nights outfits planned and now I have 9 hours in which to somehow occupy myself! Tomorrow night is Mel's dinner at Earl's and then hopefully Erin, Tamsin, and I will break off and hop in and out of The Roxy, Tonic, and Skybar. I'm so ready to get right out there and flirt again!

All I really 'have' to do is pamper and get ready; nails, hair, makeup

I still need to get out to SFU and register my butt into that school. I was going to do it today but my mom got acupuncture done and is tired. She's having a mid-life crisis, but I'm sort of glad. She encourages me to have fun like I am and doesn't guilt me about it like my dad does. It'll be fun going to school in the city and living in the city, I can't wait until everything starts to pick up speed again.

It's sort of depressing talking to the three people from PG that I kept in touch with. Kaarina and Katie are super studious and I get jealose whenever they talk about school. Then there's the guy that I talk to sometimes but I don't even really know him at all, kind of weird to think that I met him over two years ago now but still just continuing with small talk. I guess the "relationship" I was in got in the way of that though, god, what a joke. A year of my life put to utter and complete waste.

But whatever!! I went out for sushi with Colette again a week ago yesterday. The last time I saw her it was still within the two week aftermath period of the breakup and no matter how perky I tried to act it was obvious I was a total mess. On Thursday, though, the minute she saw me she told me I look more radiant and like the girl she met in first year than I ever have!!

Off to burn up some time. Maybe if I can make myself sit down without jumping around long enought I can finish one of the many books I'm in the middle of.

em

Well here's my morning:

up at 8:30 with sun shining in the window
over to ambleside seawall - short 3km run listening to the oc theme song because of all the wave
relax until i have to work at 2
after work, shop for hot things to wear to the clubs this weekend.

it's a hard life i lead :)
note to self: must cherish every second of this before i start school again!

em

I feel listless and lonely right now. I really know why I'm feeling this way because I've done everything right today. It was sunny and I ran the seawall for a total of 6km. This guy in an SFU sweatshirt eyed me as we ran past eachother a couple times and while I was stretching at the end of my run he came and started to talk to me. He was shorter than me though, sigh, so I had to keep the promise I made to my mom about only tall guys and got out of there before he asked the dreaded question, "can i have your number?".
I think i'm really just bored though. Mundane Monday is getting to me. My current books:

Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister - Gregory Maguire
The Grim Grotto, Book the 11th - Lemony Snicket

Both are very morbid, maybe I need to add in something a little more perky to get myself going.
At least I have Mel's b-day weekend to look forward to. VIP areas and guys over 25...it should rock.